14: 30 year olds exhibiting playground homophobia

When I first wrote my list of hated things I scribbled down the list with all the speed of a Mexican mouse. With a pen. Well, a keyboard. You get the gist. Anyway, it does mean that some of the titles of these rants are not as concise as I would wish. So, this here essay applies to anyone aged 30 and upwards. Not just to those people within the 365 year confines of being 30. 366 days if its a leap year.

Lets set one thing out straight away. Homophobia in general is daft. I've been relaying the story of the audience member with the no-entry sign tattooed on his arse for about two years now. Worst part of that being that he generally saw NOTHING wrong with such a cackhanded choice of ink-based needle design on his posterior. Thing is, he was 15 years old. It doesn't make it ok, but it at least explains it.

Try working with kids. What you'll learn very early on is that the insult "gay" is the most common that you'll ever hear. I'll be honest, when I was young and foolish I used to do it. My tremendously nice and intelligent 9 year old nephew called me gay this afternoon for the apparent "crime" of wearing a flat cap. He could have called me a yorkshireman, but he chose to call me gay.

Thing is, he'll learn. It's not ok that he thinks it's acceptable to call me that, but when he reaches adulthood he'll be well adjusted and will thankfully learn. When I was in my early teens I didn't know anyone gay. I didn't understand a lot of things back then. I barely understood what I wanted myself, so the concept of understanding anything that was different to me was greeted with confusion and like everything I can't deal with (normally, life itself) twas also met with humour. I'm not proud of the person that I was back then, but luckily my parents would always punish me for being homophobic in any way. Because even though they used to beat me on a daily basis with drilled paddles, they couldn't bear intolerance.

I've got a lot of gay friends. To quote the person who would usually be making excuses for hidden prejudices, a lot of my best friends are gay. As I'm now a well raised and hopefully decent member of the human race, I don't think of them of being gay in the same way I don't think of my straight friends sexual preference. They're just my mates.

A former work colleague of mine once expressed his disgust - and I don't mean that lightly, he was genuinely crimson with rage - that one of my best friends is gay. I don't think anything in the workplace has ever made me as angry. In fact, my top five things-that-made-me-angry at work are:

5: The time I ate tainted corned beef in a sandwich.
4: People complaining about tax when they get paid. That shit happens.
3: The time I lost my picture of the the cashmere goat.
2: Hitting my head on the underside of my desk (I did it 63 times in 8 years)
1: The aforementioned homophobe.

Thing is, he broke out all the "backs to the wall" shit. That's the playground stuff that really makes me angry. And he was 38 years old. Let us take this person as a case study. His standard attitude upon meeting someone gay is to make that statement and others along the same lines. And why? The insinuation that he seems to make is that if he does not keep his back planted most firmly to the brickwork that he will become prey to every single homosexual man in the land. I would like to write an open letter to this person.

Dear sir,

In the same way that every woman walking the face of this earth does not want to place your greasy penis in any of their orifices, neither do any of the gay men. In fact, instead of you keeping your back to the wall maybe you could, in the future, keep your face to the wall and your cockamamie opinions firmly inside your narrow minded little fucking skull.

Lots of love,

Jim xxx