11: Racism

I'm quite ridiculously proud of being from Leicester. I have an oft-rehearsed line that I say onstage at most gigs where I mention that I love the city because it is "a vibrant, diverse place". And it is. I have never caught a whiff of the slightest bit of racial tension in my home city, and that's something that I'm chuffed enough about to even gloat just a little bit. I'm delighted to say that I don't have a single racist friend or acquaintance - although with my own sensibilities I wouldn't entertain anyone racist anyway.

When I say "entertain anyone racist" I of course don't refer to audiences. Because I have no choice there, I can't vet them all. Much as I like to say that I am cool with anyone's beliefs or ideals, if someone says something racist to me onstage I have a burning desire to smash them over the head with a chair. Not in a weak Lance Storm vs RVD way, in an awesome Rock vs Mick Foley way.

Ask any comedian what the most annoying part of his job is and you'll get one of the following answers:

Travelling. I kind of like it, but apparently being squashed into a Corsa with 4 other acts and travelling 300 miles to entertain 21 people in the corner of a pub isn't everyone's cup of tea. Personally, I find it preferable to a daily commute to a regular job. I get nostalgic for it if I have a week or so of travelling alone. The smell of 4 Ginsters sandwiches being eaten at once whilst dissecting each others sets is a joy to behold and the total sensual experience.

Heckling. I kind of enjoy it, but you do get the odd plank who doesn't know when he's beat. You'll knock them down and they keep getting back up, like a retarded version of Rocky, hitting you with funny noise after terrible homophobic putdown like he's trying to have a gazillion sequels made about his career.

Comments. One of my favourites is an inebriated audience member coming up to me - I reckon this happens once in every 5 gigs I MC - and saying "You're really good, you should be one of the comedians". I am one of the comedians, you fucker. Believe me, that shit is quite, quite rehearsed. I wish I was as off the cuff and spontaneous as I may appear. I'm not even spontaneous enough to consider buying flowers from a petrol station when I'm in a relationship in order to guarantee semi-grateful sex.

Suggested Jokes. I reckon this is the main annoyance for most comedians. Some dick comes up to you and tells you - or even worse, shows you a "gag" on his mobile phone - a joke of questionable content or taste and follows it with the required suffix sentence of "you can have that". The most I've ever enjoyed such an experience was when someone tried to give me an off-colour joke that I'd heard a million times and when they said the magic words I simply walked off. No smile, no comment, just a straight face walking away as their bemused voices trailed off into the night.

It's concerning the subject matter of this rant that makes me so annoyed at the latter of the four items above. 9 times out of 10 the jokes that get suggested to me by audience members are inherently racist. I understand that the sensibilities of people in small towns (such as Hinckley or Nuneaton, where I run gigs) are different to those in big cities - but that isn't an excuse to act like a bigot, or believe that you speaking ill of anyone from another race, or of another colour or religion to you is freedom of speech. Racism makes me physically angry. It's just beyond me as to why anyone would believe that anyone is inferior to anyone else. Why can't we just all agree that we're all pretty ace and that life is nice? I don't view my friends in terms of what race they are, sex they are, sexuality that they have chosen - they're my friends because I love them. Simple as that. And everyone walking the Earth has the potential to be awesome, in the same way that they could turn out to be a bit of a dick. The only discrimination that we should all adopt is that of being dickist - not tolerating some of the many halfwits who share the world with is. Which means conversely, that it is more than ok to be anti-racist if you're planning on being dickist.

If that makes any sense.

The closest I got into getting into a fight at a gig is based around racist joke suggestion. It wasn't in front of a 200 strong throng of stag and hens, it was in a country pub in front of 30 people. I mentioned where I'm from, and how proud I am of being from Leicester and how it saddens me to live in a more small minded town like Hinckley. They laughed in the wrong places and for the wrong reasons, writing their own jokes based around stuff that I consider anti racism and anti racist. So I curtailed that part of the set and went back to knob gags, as was my forte at the time. Still is. If I have a forte. Trusthouse Forte.

At the end of an okish gig a man came up to me. Seemed like a regular enough chap, about my age and at the gig with his wife. He did the old "here's one for you..." bollocks and proceeded to tell me some of the most vile, bigoted and racist "jokes" that I've ever heard in my life. I was remotely new to such an experience at the time and shook my head at them.

ME: Well mate, I use my own material... and to be honest your jokes are a bit controversial...
HIM: I thought you'd like them, being from Leicester.
ME: How so?
HIM: Well, you must be tired of them all.
ME: Them?
HIM: You know, the immigrants. Leicester's full of them.
ME: Have you ever been there?
HIM: No, never. Wouldn't like it.
ME: Why not?
HIM: You know, it's not an English city anymore.
ME: Why, has it been moved somewhere else?
HIM: No...
ME: I mean, I drove here from there tonight, and the last time I checked I drove in from the East Midlands.
HIM: I didn't mean that...
ME: I even drove past a flagpole and it had the same flag as the rest of England flying from it. Who'd have thought it?
HIM: It's just that I'm...
ME: A cunt? Yes. Yes you are.

You'd think it would be him that took exception to this, but it wasn't. It was his gin-soaked orange faced Mrs who decided to grab a bottle and pointed it at me. Not smash it, but point it at me, neck up, like an expectant penis. This was the lamest standoff in the history of time.

I should have just walked away, but I had to run in the end. I scrambled for my car keys in my pocket, readying them and shouldering my bag as discussions seemed to calm down.

ME: Sorry mate, but I have to ask why you're so racist.
HIM: I'm not racist. I've got loads of black mates.

(This is, of course, the get out clause of many a racist. Homophobes replace this sentence with "I once watched Will and Grace")

ME: So what's the problem then? The colour of someone's skin?
HIM: No...
ME: Because your Mrs looks like a fucking space hopper.

I ran then. And what I said with regards to her mandarin hue wasn't racist, because some of my best friends are spacehoppers.