Apparently, the Robbie Williams song "Angels" is one of the most popular choices in the UK for people to have played at both their funerals and as the first dance at their weddings. I can't think of anything worse. I have made a request in my will to be cremated as "Straight to Hell" by the Clash plays, as that is surely where I'd end up if there was such thing as a god and the afterlife.
Proof that there isn't a god can be shown through the constant success of Robbie Williams, an untalented wastrel from Stoke who has somehow sold hundreds of millions of albums despite no-one ever actively admitting that they like him. There are hundreds - if not thousands - of more talented singers and songwriters performing in pubs all around the UK this very evening, the only difference between them and Mr Williams is that he was in a boy band and parlayed himself into the position of "lovable joker" in said band by the means of doing a sub-par Vic Reeves impression on Live and Kicking a few times in the early nineties.
The worst thing about supporting my beloved Leicester City is not, believe it or not, the fact that we yo-yo up and down between divisions with a similar action to a harlots undergarments. Oh no. It's the fact that before every home game, at around ten to three, we choose to play "Let Me Entertain You" and every time I hear it I die a little inside. It's not a rousing rock anthem, it's a fat bloke in a Kiss costume pretending that he's a rockstar. Shall we see how many rock star credentials Robbie has?
MUSICAL SKILLS - How many instruments can Robbie play? That's right, none at all. Even I can play "Frerer Jacques" on a recorder.
SONGWRITING - For years he got Guy Chambers to write his songs. Then he fell out with him and his star fell. Coincidence? Of course not.
LOOKS - Simply do the McDonalds test with Robbie. For those not familiar with this - imagine that you're in a McDonalds and an unfamous Robbie Williams is serving you, without his stylist making him look presentable in the morning. Would he still be considered attractive by the fucking 3AM Girls? No, he wouldn't. (This idea works for girls too. See Von Teese, Dita)
COOLNESS - Iggy Pop can be in an insurance commercial and he's still cool. Lou Reed can have his best song (about heroin, for chrissakes) taken by the BBC and he's still cool. Iron Maiden are all 70 years old and still exude rockstar cool. You could put Robbie Williams in a solid cold Rolls Royce, flanked by Pharrell Williams and Snoop Dogg, dressed in finest chinchilla and sipping Cristal from a diamond encrusted pimp cup. He'd still be the same hairy fuck from Stoke with the charisma of a concussed Ostritch.
ECCENTRICITY - To be a true rockstar you need to be a little bit bonkers. The odd stint in rehab does not make you insane. Biting a head off a dove at a record company meeting ala Ozzy Osbourne gives you the legendary level of eccentricty that a true rockstar requires. Going UFO spotting with Peter Andre (the sliced white loaf of popstars) does not make you kooky in the slightest.
PERFORMANCE SKILLS - Ever heard Robbie sing live? It's like listening to a throat scraping on a sealion whilst it gargles a seawater and lemon juice cocktail. I may be exaggerating slightly here, but he's not a great singer. Nor showman. I'd rather watch Shane Ritchie on "Don't Forget the Lyrics". And I'd rather peel my own penis with a rusty ice cream scoop and feed the shavings to a rabid vole (whilst flagellating the bloody stump with a shoelace studded with drawing pins) than watch that. I'm just saying.
Now, I'm aware that Mr Williams does a lot of good things for charity. If I was wearing one, I would take my hat off to him for that. I personally bear him no ill will whatsoever. The bile and teeth-gnashing that comes from me because of him stems from me being a music fan and his "fat dancer from Take That" era of him hanging out with the Gallaghers summoning the end of Britpop and a return, for a few years at least, to godawful pop music in the charts and fluffy, insignificant pop singers claiming they had rock credentials. Oh yeah. I'm looking at YOU, Avril Lavigne. Kelly Clarkson. The Killers. Admittedly, they did things the other way round and went from decent band to godawful art-dance-wank-noise.
Apparently Robbie's next album is due out this year. He's worked with Mark Ronson and Trevor Horn. So it'll be vastly overproduced, full of horns, one no doubt "cheeky" cover version and will sell billions. And I'll cry myself to sleep at the state of this country.
My favourite Robbie story comes from his massive Knebworth gigs a few years back. He got The Darkness to support him and they blew everyone away. Now they've split up and Justin Hawkins is in rehab. Coincidence? Or has Robbie used his alien contacts to destroy anyone more talented than him...?
Of course, you could point out that I'm merely a jealous 31 year old comedian, who is penniless and non-famous. And that this hate-filled rant is merely my jealousy spilling out onto the page.
And you'd be right, dear reader.
http://twitter.com/jimsmallman
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7 comments:
ahahaha....
probably you're a small-man
with a very small-brain!!!...
enjoy...
well, I just finished to read and the only thing that is right is that you're 31 old unfamous comedian...I saw Robbie singing live and it was better than any record, I don't think he's a poor songwriter becose it was him who wrote Come Undone (for example)not Guy Chambers, I don't think you need to be a mad to become really famous (contrarly I think people like him becose he's not so different from all of us)... And the fact that he's famous just becose he was in a boyband is just a crap. Everyone have to start somewhere and I think that all of us (you too) would take a chance like this. Well, that's my opinion...
Well, yeah ... you are most likely just a jealous, hate-filled, no talented bloke who's desirous to a place in the sun!
My dear what-is-your-name, this Robbie Williams, that you detest, is very famous, and far-back!
If he had no musical and performance skills, as you contend, he would have been even more bright and talented keeping all the popularity he undoubtedly have.
... Ah, your name is "Smallman" .. mmmh, do you know how Latins used to say? "Nomen est Omen" ( the translation in English sounds more or less:"the name is a sign").
I suggest you to work more on YOUR several smash hits and, maybe, to contact a good psychologist as well, who could help you to express your repressed anger in a constructive manner.
Good luck!
Well, feel free to detest him whether you feel the need for it but, please, remember that you are responsible for the feelings you spread. They remain Anger aimed at you. Can you really expect the world to fit into your plan?.. As soon as you stop trying to impose your expactations on others you can be at peace with what they decide to be, even if you disagree with it :-)
That there are more talented people from a musical/technical/lyrical point of view is also my opinion. But as we say: à chacun ses goûts ! Taste is but a point of view that should never turn to dictatorship. In addition he never pretended to be Thom Yorke or Matthew Bellamy or..whoever you consider as talented. He feels himself like a pop soda stream and somehow likes it. What makes the difference is his personnality. He is someone peculiar, higly different from the average, and somehow, far from the stage persona; deep inside. I will always remember him like a clever sentient being who always knew he would be someone. In his young years he once told he would become a star. I have smiled, maybe hurted him, but he maintained that I would see him staring at the sun. And, I saw...
Should you want to be famous, remember this 14 old Rob who wanted it to such an extent that he never doubted. Whatever the fears, whatever the pain, whatever the stuffs that have weighted him...
All the very best for the future, then. May you find your own way...
This is hilarious!
It's like when I wrote that bad review of Little Ashes and started to get hate mail from 12 year olds.
I also like the person calling you a fool who spelt eccentric with an 'x' in it.
i honestly don't think i've ever read so many good comments about Robbie Williams! to those saying Jim Smallman is a talentless comedian obviously haven't seen him perform! he's very, very funny!
and to the person who claims Robbie Williams is "the best showman and entertainer in the world" have you never heard of The Beatles? Elvis? Michael Jackson? any of these ring a bell?
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