19: Film Remakes

Let me ask you a theoretical question. Pick your favourite music album of all time. Got it? Hold that thought in your head. Think about what that album means to you, how much you love the lyrics, the orchestration, the production, its sentimental worth to you and so on.

I'll tell you what album I'm thinking about. Plucked at random, one of my favourite albums is "London Calling" by the Clash. It's a work of genius that still stands up to the test of time today.

Now then, for the sake of my argument, imagine that this brilliant slice of late 1970s British punk was merely re-recorded by the fucking Jonas Brothers. Contentious lyrics were edited out, simpler stuff was added in, production was bigger and boomier and so on.

That's madness, right? You don't take a musical work of art and attempt to remake it. A cover version is a one track tribute, but no-one is going to take your favourite album and Hollywood it up a bit to make it more palatable. No-one (well, Banksy maybe) wanders into art galleries and hangs up their kid's version of Dali's Persistence of Memory. It's insane.

If you look on Wikipedia you'll find that there are so many film remakes that they have to split the listings over several pages. There is no example of a remade film being better than the original. Why? Because the original film has the essence of the writer and directors vision, has the initial spark of creativity and above all else does not star Sarah Michelle Gellar.

To save you time I've decided to tell you the differences between original films and their remakes. No, no. Thank you.

ALFIE (1966) - Michael Caine stars as Alfie, a bit of a rogue who grows as a character during the film, passing a scathing commentary on promiscuous swinging London in the 1960s.

ALFIE (2004) - Jude Law is a cock. You watch the entire film praying that he catches a disease. Whilst Mr Caine talking to the camera in the original is cool, Law doing it is as toe curlingly annoying as when Lovejoy used to do it.

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ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 (1976) - One of the greatest action films of the 1970s. A stark, stylish take on both western and zombie film themes made for a pittance - thus adding to its grimy charm.

ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 (2005) - They decide to change the enemies in the film to policemen (HA! GENIUS!) and Ethan Hawke is in it. And Ja Rule, who looks like Howard from the Halifax adverts. Watching it makes you feel like you're playing a terrible video game. It even has flash grenades in it. Do they even exist?

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BEDAZZLED (1967) - Peter Cook stars as the devil. What other reason do you need to see this?

BEDAZZLED (2000) - Liz Hurley stars as the devil. What other reason do you need to rather set your face on fire than watch this film?

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WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (1971) - The acid-drenched celebration of many a child's favourite book, represented in a way that is entertaining for both adults and kids. Gene Wilder is utterly convincing as the completely batshit loco Wonka.

CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (2005) - Unimaginitive retread that is too dark and grimy to be fantastical, of course because it's directed by Tim Burton and he's not familiar with what light is. Johnny Depp tries to out-loon Gene Wilder and just ends up looking like a camp man in a top hat.

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DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978) - The greatest horror film ever made. Over two hours long and the prototype for a billion other cheap and nasty zombie films, none of which could get it quite right. Atmospheric, thought provoking and genuinely has you on the edge of your seat.

DAWN OF THE DEAD (2004) - Hang on a second. JUST HOW LONG HAVE ZOMBIES BEEN ABLE TO FUCKING RUN?

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GET CARTER (1971) - Stylish, gritty, dark crime drama set in bleak, industrial Newcastle. Another amazing turn from Michael Caine, a man who knew no bounds in the late sixties / early seventies. Received criticism at the time for its decisively unhappy ending, but is now beloved by us all because we're in essence all heartless bastards.

GET CARTER (2000) - Wannabe stylish crime drama set in upmarket Seattle. Sequel friendly ending tacked on to the end (Carter doesn't die, basically). Stars Michael Caine. No, don't be silly. Not as Carter. They hired - get this - SYLVESTER FUCKING STALLONE. Jesus.

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THE ITALIAN JOB (1969) - The best caper film ever made, bar none. Loads of quotable lines, a plethora of fine actors in the cast (yes, even Benny Hill), a character called Camp Freddy, stylish costumes, amazing cars (from the Mini to the DB4 to the Miura) and the best car chases ever committed to film.

THE ITALIAN JOB (2003) - No cliffhanger ending. A completely different plot. Doesn't matter if Ed Norton and Donald Sutherland are in it, it stars Mark Fucking Wahlberg. The longest BMW commercial you'll ever see - it's two hours of a glorified ad for the all new fat-arsed Mini, which you can only sucessfully drive if you're a hairdresser or an estate agent.

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SEVEN SAMURAI (1954) - Samurais are awesome.

THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN (1960) - Cowboys are shit.

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THE OMEN (1976) - Beautifully shot horror film with a stellar cast and an awesome gothic soundtrack that makes the film a zillion times more sinister.

THE OMEN (2006) - Poorly shot horror film made on the cheap in the Czech Republic. Doesn't stray too far from the original plot, so feels like a pirate DVD of the original with the soundtrack missing.

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[REC] (2007) - Wonderfully low budget Spanish zombie film, shot as if it's been filmed with hand held cameras. Features a truly loathsome female central character who you eventually start to feel sorry for, even despite her vanity.

QUARANTINE (2008) - Firstly, why change the title? It makes the film sound like a brightly lit room containing a couple of German Shepherds that someone tried to smuggle in from Bulgaria. Also, how the heck did it cost $12 Million to make? I could have made it. And I'm a better actor than Jennifer Carpenter.

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RINGU (1998) - Stupendously frightening, atmospheric Japanese horror film that spawned the rebirth of an entire genre in the Orient. Through ingenious filmmaking contains some of the most frightening sequences ever committed to film.

THE RING (2002) - Scary premise ruined by having Americans in the film. Naomi Watts? Come on. Manages to remake many of the Ringu sequences with four years experience and additional knowledge and yet do them worse. Made more money in its opening weekend in Japan than Ringu because the whole of the nation was watching the film and laughing at it as a collective.

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ROLLERBALL (1975) - The film that the Commodore Amiga classic game "Speedball" was based on. Violence, a frightening image of the future, comment on society and classical music for a soundtrack.

ROLLERBALL (2002) - Chris Klein. LL Cool J. Rebecca Romjin. Annoyed yet? Wait till you hear the soundtrack, featuring P.O.D and Hoobastank. Even better, everyone's favourite fat-faced pop star - Pink - has a cameo role. The joy.

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THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974) - Possibly the finest independent horror film ever made. Cost a mere $140,000 and remains one of the most influential films of all time, inventing the slasher film on its own. The cheapness of the film adds to the illusion of reality.

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2003) - Hideous remake with too much noise, gore, overacting, violence etc and nothing approaching the tension of the original. More to the point, the central "heroes" are American College kids. As soon as you see them you WANT them to die. You end up wanting to give Leatherface cake to sustain him in his long day of slaying.

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TAXI (1996) - Nuts French caper film. Great fun.

TAXI (2004) - What, you mean the film was FRENCH? Can't have that. No way. Subtitles? God no. How about we cast Queen Latifah in it? Somehow? Hello? Hello? I think they hung up...

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WAR OF THE WORLDS (1953) - First truly great stab at making an apocalyptic sci-fi film, using one of the greatest stories HG Wells ever wrote.

WAR OF THE WORLDS (2005) - Lots of explosions and Tom Cruise running round with Dakota Fanning, hoping that pairing him with a child that is playing the role of being his daughter will make us think he's heterosexual. Come on Tom, just admit it now.

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What we've learned here is that there is no such thing as a good remake. None at all. It's like me reinventing cheese. I could try and do it, but it would just be runny and taste bad.

OK, that's probably not the best analogy. But you get the point.

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