7: The Nintendo Wii

3 MONTHS BEFORE LAUNCH

I see an article in Edge magazine about the upcoming Nintendo Wii. After loving the NES, SNES, N64 and Gamecube I presume that they can do no wrong, like some kind of video game Eric Cantona. Don't get me wrong, the Gamecube's marketing was their equivalent of leaping into the crowd at Selhurst Park to pummel some oik who had learned French in order to insult their family: You know that it's technically incorrect, but there's a big part of you that loves them for it. Resident Evil 4? That's a masterpiece. Pikmin? Quality. Any machine that has a version of Mario Kart? Sold. I start a fund ready for said machine.

2 MONTHS BEFORE LAUNCH

I start creating room in my lounge ready for the new machine. I'm still not entirely sure how big it will be, but I find it a place next to the PS2, Gamecube and Xbox 360. Sandwiched twixt subwoofer and DVD rack, the space is pregnant with expectation.

1 MONTH BEFORE LAUNCH

Funds are raised. Then girlfriend (jealous despot with rascist tendencies) starts dropping hints that another member fo the electronic family is possibly not the greatest of ideas. Already tired of her, this does not auger well. Resolve to end the relationship if she insists on pursuing this fallacy. Choose to ignore the need to pre-order a machine as I'd quite like the excitment of queuing for one.

2 WEEKS BEFORE LAUNCH

Disaster strikes. The catylytic converter on my car chooses to die, thus forcing my car to fail its MOT. In desperation, I try to bribe the mechanic to pass my car so I don't have to spend my hard-saved cash. My intention was to slip him £20 or so, but my ham-fisted attempt at winking at him comes across as deeply disturbing flirting in a dangerously heterosexual environment. I am forced to pay for repairs. The racist deals with this news in her usual subtle, caring way: Whooping, cheering and performing the macarena as I break down in tears. The relationship is certainly not long for this world.

1 WEEK BEFORE LAUNCH

All is lost as newspaper reports mention that every single available Wii will sell out on day one. I curse my luck and toy with the idea of spending my saved cash on something frivolous. The racist mentions a holiday, but I'm in no way planning on spending my time with her in another country. That would give her chance to demonstrate her Daily Mail-learned foreign languages: Merely shouting the phrase "Sausage, egg and chips" louder and slower each time until understood in the face of the nearest waiter.

LAUNCH

I watch live on Sky News as the doors open at HMV on Oxford Street and the nerds of London and beyond rush inside to claw at each other and fight (in the loosest sense) over the machines available. Think to myself about nerds: As a rule, the more intelligent people gravitate towards this way of life. Knowledge is power. Should some kind of evil force wish to wipe out all intelligence from a nation, merely stage the mock launch of a mythical video game system (lets call it the Unicorn) and set the countdown clock in Game to a nuclear bomb. HMV that night will have smelled like every branch of Game does around the nation: Of sweat, celibacy and despair.

LAUNCH PLUS 1 WEEK

Am lucky enough to get a couple of well paid gigs and a bonus from work. The plan is back on. I pride myself on not having spent the money on frivolous things like food, fuel and mittens.

LAUNCH PLUS 2 WEEKS

The money is now burning a hole in my pocket. The racist has gone quiet about the whole issue, and I'm trying to find a way to get rid of her. Decide to piss her off more often by bringing up contentious issues: Her part of the rent, the Wii, British policy on immigration.

LAUNCH PLUS 3 WEEKS

A friend tells me he has his Wii. An offer of being able to play on it is turned down due to gigs and a desire for me to savour my own Wii experience when I have my own. All mine. Mention the Wii plan being back on to the racist. She goes ballistic. Excellent.

LAUNCH PLUS 4 WEEKS

Have enormous row with the racist over, well, her being a nazi. This story is now immortalised in my Edinburgh show as revenge for her bigotry. Decide to break up with her as soon as she has paid her next rent instalment. Decide to do it the old fashioned way and actually tell her rather than just moving house one day while she's out.

LAUNCH PLUS 5 WEEKS

Big row. Mention the Wii whilst at dinner with my family and the racist and she goes completely mental. Sets up next week nicely. Rent week.

LAUNCH PLUS 6 WEEKS

The racist pays me her rent in cash. I whoop and holler, telling her where the money is going with barely disguised antagonostic glee. She begins to cry. I ask why, and through smeared mascara and angry tears she tells me that she's bought me a Wii from eBay as a gift. A token of her love. I feel a strange mixture of elation, guilt, excitement and regret. A day passes, and I realise that it was bad enough staying with the racist just to claim rent, let alone take her gift. I break up with her, awkwardly, and offer her money (over £100 more than list price) for the Wii and - most out of character for me - offer her the rent payment back. She accepts and I'm free.

I'm now single and better still, my Wii has been shipped.

MY WII ARRIVES (LAUNCH PLUS 7 WEEKS)

I balance the sensor on top of my TV and carefully set up the Wii. Obviously I don't read the instructions, but I take my time and lay out all the equipment. After all, in theory this machine has cost me £550. The expectation is immense as the lights on the Wiimote flash blue for the first time. I slide in Wii Sports. I create my Mii. I'm as excited as a boy can be. I start the game.

I'm underwhelmed.

WII ARRIVAL PLUS 1 WEEK

I've borrowed, purchased or rented pretty much every game on the Wii and can't manage more than half an hour at a time on the blasted thing. Meanwhile, TV adverts start to make me dislike the machine. Clearly, this machine is for girls.

WII ARRIVAL PLUS 1 MONTH

The Wii gathers dust as the Xbox 360 becomes the household favourite. I have a theory: I'm a serious video gamer. I have an arm full of tattoos and leathery thumbs to prove this. I do not want to play games by vaguely swooshing my arm around, nor do I have the friends to come round and do likewise as we all giggle in soft focus. I want games that I can play whilst lying down and feeling my arteries gain fur.

WII ARRIVAL PLUS 6 MONTHS

I sell most of my games. Mario Galaxy holds my attention for slightly longer than normal. The arrival in a few months of Mario Kart is all that keeps me going. Feel slightly twattish for paying so over the odds for the godforsaken machine.

WII ARRIVAL PLUS 12 MONTHS

I buy a PS3. The Wii gathers dust. I feel like a Jeremy Kyle-candidate family that has bought a new Rottweiler because their Pitbull wasn't vicious enough.

WII ARRIVAL PLUS 18 MONTHS

I hear a woman at work mention that she is planning on losing weight by purchasing the soon to be released Wii Fit. She weighs around 20 stone. She does not own a Wii. I fail to see how some badly timed leaning is going to undo 35 years of pies. Resolve to sell the blasted Wii as more insufferable adverts hit our screens. Video games are not for families, all beaming and healthy. They're for losers like me, pale and drawn, malnourished and over-tired, obsessive and lonely vanguards of weirdo-dom.

WII ARRIVAL PLUS 18 MONTHS and ONE DAY.

I sell the Wii plus all my games for £170. I am not sorry to see it go. Attempt to erase the entire episode from my mind by playing Super Mario World on the SNES non stop for 26 hours.